"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
Thanks To Tim Gahagan For That One!!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die" she replied.
Here's Another One
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
"Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG."
And One More...
A hydrogen atom comes running into a police station asking for help:
Hydrogen atom: "Somebody just stole my electron!"
Policeman: "Are you sure?"
Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
And One More..
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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